So, You Want to Be an Aswang?
Before diving into this thrilling and unusual career path, make sure you’re ready by answering these important questions:
- Are you okay with staying up all night?
- Do you have a strong stomach for... unique cuisine (think fetuses and unborn babies, the hearts and livers of young children, and blood sucked through long, proboscis-like tongues. Maybe some corpses and dead bodies too)?
- Are you prepared to be the subject of countless horror stories?
- Can you handle being universally feared and despised?
- Do you enjoy having bad breath? Aswang breath is said to smell like death and decay, an overpowering odor detectable from miles away.
If you answered "yes" to all these questions, congratulations! You might have what it takes to join the ranks of the most terrifying creatures in Filipino folklore.
What Exactly Is an Aswang?
Before we dive into the "how-to" guide, let’s clarify what you’re signing up for. An aswang is basically the Swiss Army knife of monsters. It’s an umbrella term for various evil creatures in Filipino folklore, including vampires, ghouls, witches, viscera suckers, and human-beast hybrids. Talk about career flexibility!
A Brief History of Aswangs
Who was the first aswang? Legend has it that the first aswang was created when a witch and a werewolf had a really wild night out. Aswangs have been terrorizing the Philippines since before the Spanish colonists arrived in the 16th century. These colonists noted that aswangs were the most feared among all mythical creatures in the Philippines. Now that’s what we call job security!
How to Become an Aswang: A Step-by-Step Guide
Method 1: The Egg-cellent Approach
- Find a fertilized chicken egg. (No, a regular egg from the supermarket won’t do.)
- Tie the egg to your stomach. (Fashion tip: It pairs well with crop tops.)
- Wait for the chick to pass into your body. (Yes, it’s as uncomfortable as it sounds.)
- Bury the remaining eggshell in a bamboo tube along with coconut oil and chicken dung. (Who said becoming a monster wasn’t glamorous?)
Congratulations! You’re now a proud owner of aswang powers, including the ability to shapeshift into various animals at night. Side effects may include an insatiable hunger for human blood and a strange craving for balut.
Method 2: The Dying Aswang’s Last Gift
- Find a dying aswang. (Check your local haunted forests or abandoned cemeteries.)
- Convince them to pass their powers to you. (Flattery usually works.)
- Let them hold their mouth close to yours. (Maybe offer them a breath mint first?)
- Wait for the magical chick to hop from their mouth to yours. (It’s like a really twisted game of "chubby bunny.")
- Voila! You’re now the proud inheritor of aswang abilities. Remember to thank the previous aswang... oh wait, they’re dead now. Oh well!
Living Your Best Aswang Life
As an aswang, you’ll enjoy exciting perks like:
- Shapeshifting into birds, pigs, and dogs (perfect for those who could never decide on just one pet).
- A long, proboscis-like tongue for blood-sucking (who needs straws when you’re saving the environment?).
- Night-time adventures (great for avoiding sunburn).
- A diet rich in iron. Blood is rich in iron. (goodbye, anemia!).
Aswang Vulnerabilities: The Fine Print
Every job has its downsides. Here are some things to watch out for:
- Salt, garlic, and holy water (basically, avoid Italian restaurants blessed by priests).
- Stingray tails (cancel that beach vacation).
- Bolos (stay away from gardening enthusiasts).
Spiritual Considerations
Will aswangs go to heaven or hell? Will God forgive aswangs? These are complex theological questions. Let’s just say your afterlife plans might need some revision. But hey, who needs eternal salvation when you can have eternal youth, right?
Cultural Impact
As an aswang, you’ll be the star of countless myths, stories, arts, and films throughout the Philippines. It’s like being a celebrity, but with more running and screaming involved.
Conclusion
Becoming an aswang is not for the faint of heart (though you’ll probably be eating a lot of those). It’s a challenging career path filled with danger, excitement, and questionable dietary choices. But if you’re looking for a job that offers night-time flexibility, shape-shifting benefits, and the power to strike fear into the hearts of millions, then being an aswang might just be your calling.
Remember, with great power comes great responsibility... to terrify as many people as possible. Happy haunting!
*Disclaimer: This guide is purely for entertainment purposes. The author does not endorse or encourage becoming a mythical blood-sucking creature. Please consult your local shaman (Mangkukulam ) before attempting any supernatural transformations.*
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